For nano-seconds after reading good advice columnist I’ve wondered if I could write an advice column too. The answer is no, I do not want to give advice because “TOO MUCH PRESSURE.” That said for today’s Fakequity post, I’ve compiled a few real-life situations, but they are altered, and thought about some advice that might go with it.

Dear Fakequity,

I’m dating a really great dude; except he keeps saying “I don’t see race.” At first, it was cute and I ignored it since we were having a lot of fun. He’s charming and treats me well, unlike some of my past boyfriends. I get along fine with his family, but they also ‘don’t see race,’ and say low-key racist things. I sometimes gently question them about their views, but they get defensive. My boyfriend gets quiet and later asks why I don’t let it slide like I used to. What should I do? I want to stay with him, but unsure of what future we’ll have together. I’m Latina, and he’s white.

Still Dating

Dear Still Dating,

No relationship is perfect, anyone who tells you that is either ridiculously lucky, in denial, or both. I see you’re comparing this relationship to your ex – stop comparing this person to your ex. Just because he’s better than the other boyfriend(s) doesn’t mean you ignore this part of him. Is your boyfriend willing to learn about race and grow? And will he take on the task of wrangling his family? If you plan to stay together his family will be part of the equation in some way and you both need to come to an agreement on how to handle that part of the relationship. You deserve a partner who will grow with you so value yourself too.

Dear Fakequity,

I have a coworker who is competent at his job and friendly, but exceedingly clumsy when working with people of color. He isn’t malicious but he comes off as a white savior. Black partners have complained to me about how he treats them. They like him enough, but they are growing tired of his ways and have started to distance themselves from our work. It makes me sad to see these partners drift away, but I know why they do. All I can do is shrug and tell them I understand.

Sadly Shrugging

Dear Shrug,

It sounds like you’re stuck in the middle and can see the problem, maybe even spotting a train wreck and trying to stop it from happening. You’re also in the place of not wanting to tattle on your coworker but needing to defend your organization from your clumsy coworker. As uncomfortable as it is, it is important to talk to your coworker about his behavior and point out where he’s made your Black partners uncomfortable. Teammates modeling how to effectively partner and talk about race will help him understand the changes he needs to make. Alternatively, as the organization changes and if he’s not going to change he may need to leave. Change is hard, but it is important for him to understand his behaviors are impacting others.

Dear Fakequity,

I have a colleague who keeps saying ableist things. When she wants to disparage someone she’ll say “I bet they are autistic,” when they don’t agree with her. She’ll also use other ableist language like saying “that’s psycho.” My friend is a teacher and I think she wouldn’t say these things directly to students but to know she has these judgmental and ableist thoughts makes me cringe. I know I need to confront her at some point, any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Annoyed with Colleague

Dear Annoyed,

I would be annoyed and pissed at my colleague too for being so rude and disrespectful towards people with disabilities, especially as a teacher. I understand working closely with people can make it harder to confront them on their language and behaviors, but in this case, it really isn’t ok for her to go around saying hurtful things about people with disabilities, especially as a teacher. Have you talked to your colleague about her attitude and hurtful language? She may get defensive when confronted, but hold your ground and make it clear you are not ok with labeling other people after legit health diagnoses. Your team may want to invest some professional development time into learning about disabilities and how to support students and families with disabilities. 1 out of 5 people have a disability, so it is very likely they are part of your school community.

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