I’m not calling out specific white men – so if you identify as white and you identify as a man, and you know me don’t take this post personally, you don’t have to avoid me or be awkward around me – many of you already are either overly confident or get weird and try to give me all of your social justice credentials (I’ve had to endure many awkward conversations while white men explain why they aren’t typical white men).  

Are you really that fragile?

I’m tired of fragile white men who can’t take feedback or even slight pushback when someone tells them they need to consider a different way of thinking. Many of you have been told you’re right for most of your life. Rarely have you been questioned or asked to consider anything other than your own truth as being gospel truth. The thing is, that gospel truth is only YOUR truth, many of us may not agree but you are so fragile when anyone says anything otherwise you throw tantrums and we just throw up our hands and walk away – there are few direct consequences for your fragility.

Recently, I commented on an Instagram reel about how the white dog owner was perpetuating cultural appropriation by using a Hawaiian word. White men made up the bulk of the racist sub-comments. They couldn’t handle a little feedback saying a video they really don’t have a stake in might be wrong – protect whiteness at all costs. The white men also felt emboldened to type out what was on their minds, often rude and racist comments, and again no one checked them on their behavior – racism protects racism.

I’ve also seen white men throw tantrums in professional settings. It comes off as bullying and questioning. The peacocking behavior of puffing up the chest and needing to prove you are right is tiresome, especially when you’re not right. Dudes, there are better ways. I don’t need your tantrums, anger, or pretend nice. The amount of anger and passive aggressiveness POCs deal with is exhausting. Humility and being open to learning will go a long way. People don’t expect you to know everything, in fact, often it builds trust and respect to say “I’m not the expert on that, let me get back to you,” and then to follow up.

I’m not going to give you lessons on how to behave, you need to figure that out on your own. Many women of color and white allies have already given you lessons you probably have ignored. I know this will frustrate some of you who are like “You’re pointing out the problems but not telling me how to solve it, you are part of the problem.” I’ve been accused of that before. This is where I say, “It isn’t my job to teach you,” which will further annoy and possibly infuriate you. Recently I pointed out to a white male colleague why something is inequitable. He wrote back and said “What […] do you propose…” I wrote back a lengthy reply, complete with articles and links. I haven’t heard back. I gave a lot of free labor, thoughts, and teaching with no reply. I thought I was investing in a relationship to move a project forward, nope.

What I will give you is a reminder that there are better ways I hope you find some for yourselves.

I will drop this title if you want to learn more on your own time. Author Ijeoma Oluo did a fab job in her book Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America.

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