Editor’s note: We welcome a guest post from Carrie Basas about Diversity Equity and Inclusion training. Carrie wrote this while I was on vacation so I could extend my vacation. Send us your completed MadLibs like entries — fakequity@gmail.com.

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DEI Trainer (hereinafter “DT”) agrees to perform a complete human ______ (noun implying to fix or destroy completely) service for Client on the express condition that DT’s sole obligation is that the _____ (noun for group of humans) ______ (verb not containing “-spain”) and participate in discussions about _____ (noun for unpleasant topic to some). Client acknowledges that DT’s work will be performed in a professional and courteous manner unless the _________ (noun for activity happening under a big top) is in town and happens to be Client’s ________ (noun for group of people paid for their skills). DT cannot and does not warrant the fitness, suitability, or longevity of its trainings because people are sometimes _________ (adjective that might remind you of slurping) and __________ (title of Ijeoma Oluo’s book that begins with “M”). If Client does not see lasting results from the 90-minute training that they insisted would fix everything everywhere and could not impede more _______ (adjective related to grandiosity) work, DT can remind Client that DT does not sell ________ (plural noun for magical devices) and that Customer could always ________ (verb related to employment) better. Similarly, a cheaper option for training would be ________ (social media platform), _________ (search engine), or ___________ (name of your most boring neighbor).

If there is a specific problem with the quality of the services performed or the effectiveness of the ___________ (noun related to surrealism, hobbits, or spa services), Client shall inform DT in writing and, if feasible, the service will be re-performed through exorcism at no additional charge. In the event that such services are needed, Client shall provide adequate ________ (plural noun for items imbibed) to DT and no co-pay for _________ (DT’s favorite migraine medication). Any additional costs related to the aforementioned supplies are the sole responsibility of Client. DT shall not be liable for any injuries that could result from rendering the stink _______ (body part) or muttering ____________ (adverb expressing frustration) at a rate of ________ (high number) WPM.

If DT cannot offer a solution to Client’s concerns by repeating the exorcism, then Client and DT shall negotiate in good faith to reach an equitable resolution. If the parties cannot resolve the dispute informally, they will seek the assistance of _______________ (favorite game-show host) and split the _____________ (whatever is behind Door 1 or in the jackpot). If said host is not available, the parties will be bound by the laws of ___________ (imaginary land or small city) as they were written in __________ (your birth year). If all else fails, the parties will start a book club and TED Talk videos. 

*Carrie would like to note, in order to keep her Bar membership, that this document does not constitute legal advice and should not be attached to any contracts where you expect to be paid.

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Carrie Basas works in education advocacy and formerly in civil rights law, specializing in disabilities rights. She was a law professor impressing upon law students the importance of understanding race and its impact on people. Carrie has a MEd in Education Policy, Organizations and Leadership from the University of Washington. She earned a Juris Doctorate from Harvard Law School and an Honors B.A. in Psychology with a minor in Sociology/Anthropology from Swarthmore College. However, her biggest claim to fame is some of her fashion weekend wear while hanging with her family, tiny dog, and two rabbits.

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I am writing from the ancestral lands of the 29 federally recognized and non-federally recognized tribes in now Washington State, including the Coast Salish people — Duwamish, Muckleshoot, Suquamish, Snoqualmie, and Native American organizations that have treaty rights and have been here since time immemorial. I give my thanks to the elders, Native and Indigenous colleagues and relations, and the land itself. Fakequity pays “rent” to Native organizations in Washington and Hawaii; a small action to hopefully repair and work to be in more justice based relations.